Laminer Flow

I just finished performing three shows in two days with 14 people. I love performing. When I get out there under the stage lights I fall into a trance, a deep current, life's laminer flow.

My friend Lars told me about the laminer flow. One time he launched himself off of massive waterfall in a tiny boat that few people have ever run. It's dangerous. There's a big hole at the bottom of the waterfall. That means a swirling pocket of water that keeps you trapped underneath.

The laminer flow is the vein of water that runs strongest and smoothest. When you're in your boat you can dig your paddle down into the laminer flow and catch some current to hurry your boat along. If you flip out of your boat and get stuck in a hole, you can reach out a hand for the laminer flow feel for a way out.

This particular hole at the bottom of the waterfall was much less forgiving because there wasn't much flow out. It mostly just held you down and went around and around. Lars enjoys the thrill of perilous adventure that demands his full presence and power.

Even now at 62 he's still telemarking through mountains and riding boats through whitewater. And he was up on stage dancing with us while I was catching laminar flow. He was probably catching it too. Things gets done easily and quickly in the flow. That current of life carries me on stage. My being feels alive, alert, and clear.

Thankfully I'm feeling much more clear in general these days. It was one of the most heart breaking experiences of my life to realize that I'm not able to be with Bernice right now. I got some advice that said, listen to your heart. If the pain you feel at the thought of staying outways the feeling of positive potential then it's time to go.

Bernice is a goddess, there's no doubt about that. But I have a clear vision about how I want conflict handled in relationship. And it wasn't happening the way I want it to. It's my path. I trust this.

I still haven't moved all my stuff out. Rosy, Bernice(who was also in the performance)'s youngest daughter, came and sat on my lap in the dressing room after the show. I'm gonna miss how much she plays and cuddles with me. It's taken me a while to admit this to myself - I need to let go of being a member of their family. I love the Raabis', all of them, they are all beautiful people. And it's time to clear my stuff out of their house.

Whoa! Blank slate! Now what am I going to do?