Back in the Saddle Again

I am a father. I don't have a baby that is born yet. But I know that I am one. They told me. (There is a rumor going around that the 'they' they keep talking about might be the Yogi Tea people.) Anyway, I know it's true.

I feel inspired by the possibilities of being a father. I celebrate the possibilities of living with people who share a vision. I feel inspired by the incredible communities that exist in our world and by the people who share their stories and their skills with others. I feel inspired to share my stories and my skills with others. I feel inspired to be a part of a growing culture of transparent, emapthetic, supportive, caring people in service of life and well being, more than well being, fun, fantastic, deep, sacred, beautiful being.

I trust in beauty. I know in life there is pain. I surrender and bow down to the little booties at the base of my alter. One day they will be filled.

I give my gifts and find expression for the divine in how I live my life.

It's been a while since I've written anything here. There has been so much. All reminders to keep trusting, to remember that spirit provides, not always how I think, but spirit always provides what our hearts most long for. My heart longs to be a father, to live with people using tools that help create a new culture, and to have fun sharing it.

Down to Business!!!

Ah Life!

What a journey! I am back to simple. No job, no money, and in one week, no home.

I have been here before, so I know it is all going to work out. But it is a little stressful right now.

The beautiful part is that my life is wide open. My only commitment is a dance performance in Nelson on May 20th. And then I am free to follow my heart into whatever magic it is called.

Funny thing is, I am thinking of starting a business. Fifteen years ago I received a Bachelor of Commerce. Yes that is right, a business degree. After that, I got pretty turned off the business world with its greed, oppression, and destructive bottom lines. That is not the way it has to be, but that is what I saw. Seeing this unconsciousness growing in me, I pushed it away. Since then I have travelled the world, found my spiritual path, lived in community, and learned a whole lot more about how I can contribute to life in a meaningful way. 

Now after being on a path of building community, being in service, connecting with my creativity, and learning skills to facilitate mine and others growth and well being, I am finding myself looking for a business idea. Starting a business does not mean I have to give up all these things. On the contrary, now I see a business as a great place to apply all of these skills. Whatever business I start is going to be aligned with my values for living consciously, personally, socially, and environmentally.

And, I see this business as a way to generate the resources that will support me to be a father, live in community, and offer my passion for empathy-based co-creativity. I have no idea what this business is going to be. But I am sending out a clear message to the spirit: I am ready to manifest ease and abundance financially.

So here it comes! I am not sure what it will look like. I trust it will be beautiful!

Despair and Purpose

There are only a few times in my life when I can remember experiencing deep grief and loss. When my beloved cat of 11 years, Christie, disappeared after we moved to a new home. When I have started life inside a woman, who chose not to let it grow. When I left the woman I love more than anyone I have loved before.

The sadness overwhelms me. The feeling inside my body is both painful and empty. I choke out faint, desperate no's, and cry  tears of deep sorrow. It seems like it will never end. It feels unbearable and hopeless. But I do not give up. My pain is my guide. My pain is my truth, and my truth will lead to my joy. I trust this.

The power that comes with this despair is great. And I am grateful for the life that has taught me what to do with it - to follow this pain, to find my yes. My yes to life. My yes to what is most important to me. My yes to what I cannot live without.

One day I will make a baby with a woman. I will work with this woman. I will play with this woman. I will create family and community with this woman. We will live out our dream of being and modelling empathy and co-creativity. We will honour the earth and live a life that reflects our values for the care and well being of people and our planet.

I do not know where this will be. I do not know how it will happen. I do not know who it will be with. But I know this. I will live this dream. It is the purpose that guides my life. It is what I was born to do.

Laminer Flow

I just finished performing three shows in two days with 14 people. I love performing. When I get out there under the stage lights I fall into a trance, a deep current, life's laminer flow.

My friend Lars told me about the laminer flow. One time he launched himself off of massive waterfall in a tiny boat that few people have ever run. It's dangerous. There's a big hole at the bottom of the waterfall. That means a swirling pocket of water that keeps you trapped underneath.

The laminer flow is the vein of water that runs strongest and smoothest. When you're in your boat you can dig your paddle down into the laminer flow and catch some current to hurry your boat along. If you flip out of your boat and get stuck in a hole, you can reach out a hand for the laminer flow feel for a way out.

This particular hole at the bottom of the waterfall was much less forgiving because there wasn't much flow out. It mostly just held you down and went around and around. Lars enjoys the thrill of perilous adventure that demands his full presence and power.

Even now at 62 he's still telemarking through mountains and riding boats through whitewater. And he was up on stage dancing with us while I was catching laminar flow. He was probably catching it too. Things gets done easily and quickly in the flow. That current of life carries me on stage. My being feels alive, alert, and clear.

Thankfully I'm feeling much more clear in general these days. It was one of the most heart breaking experiences of my life to realize that I'm not able to be with Bernice right now. I got some advice that said, listen to your heart. If the pain you feel at the thought of staying outways the feeling of positive potential then it's time to go.

Bernice is a goddess, there's no doubt about that. But I have a clear vision about how I want conflict handled in relationship. And it wasn't happening the way I want it to. It's my path. I trust this.

I still haven't moved all my stuff out. Rosy, Bernice(who was also in the performance)'s youngest daughter, came and sat on my lap in the dressing room after the show. I'm gonna miss how much she plays and cuddles with me. It's taken me a while to admit this to myself - I need to let go of being a member of their family. I love the Raabis', all of them, they are all beautiful people. And it's time to clear my stuff out of their house.

Whoa! Blank slate! Now what am I going to do?

My Response

I couldn't resist!

If you want to change the world… LOVE a man

A response by Michael Sheely

If you want to change the world… love a man - really love him.

Find the one you can’t bear to be without, the one whose breath fills your body with life.

The one you are afraid to love so deeply.

You who he has held for millennia, lifting you with him, off the earth, into the endless possibilities of light.

When you want to run,

From fear, from grief,

Stop. Turn around. Open your eyes.

See him, see his beauty, and all he creates for you.

This man is perfect – like the sun, the moon, the stars,

The infinite sky, the endless cosmic tapestry,

Every speck of dust, every mountain, every bone, every drop of blood…

He is the echo of footsteps, the beating of the drum, the call to action, the movement of life,

For all the choices you are afraid to make, for the answers you don’t have, for the strength you can’t find,

Turn to him.

If you do not trust his being, you have not seen the light of his endless fire of love.

If you want to change the world… love a man

Not for what you can get, for what you cannot ever own

See his glory, see his power, see how much he holds,

Give up the fight to make him what you want,

Fight instead for his commitment to truth.

You will not find him in casual seductions that distract you from your pain.

Your heart will not be filled by more and more men.

Your heart will be filled by God,

If you cannot see God,

Run,

But if you are ready to let yourself believe that seeing God is a choice,

Not just sometimes, always,

Open your eyes,

And let your fear consume itself,

Let it eat your insides out,

Until all that’s left is faith.

If you want to change the world… love a man.

Love him like there is nothing else to love.

He is ancestor. He is unborn child.

Every boy must grow to become a man,

But not every father knows

How to teach the secrets of God,

Are you willing to forgive?

Are you willing live each moment new?

Are you ready to give your heart’s devotion?

Not just with words, are you ready to walk?

The journey of man is a healing path,

Stand up and take his hand.

He needs you.

If you want to change the world… love a man

You shaming him will not get you what you want

Your blame will not change your responsibility to yourself

Let go of judging

See with new eyes the precious man beside you

See the heart, soul, mind, and body

Only with this whole vision can you see the sacred gift.

Let go of stories

Trust what is

Forget your belief that you deserve more, that you are somehow better,

See through fear, stop demanding what is not given

Let go of who you think he is, and see the man in who is there.

Ask him how he feels,

Ask him what he wants,

Listen.

Your compassion can be the gift that

That lifts him back into his light.

If you want to change the world… love a man

Love him through his anger, his shame, his grief

He has suffered his own violence for generations

Be there for him

Hold your arms out and embrace him

You cannot change the world by denying what is

And if you are not prepared to look, then leave.

This is not the place for you.

If you are not ready to see man,

If you are not ready to know sacred masculine,

Turn back to where ever you came from

Start again

Because you cannot live without him.

Don’t come to him half way

Don’t come to him with conditions

Don’t come to him if you are not ready to let paranoia die

Your past pain must find its peace with the past

Victimhood must end

That time is over

Step into your power

God smiles on those who claim their lives.

What if love is the dream that has been forgotten?

What if what you hold is only half of what you want?

Are you willing to open all the way,

To let him in, are you willing to share the beauty of the Masculine?

I you want to change the world… love a man

Follow your pain to the depths of your heart

It is only there that you can know the fullness of love

When at last you settle into you own deepest truth

You ideas will fall away

You will see God

There will be great light, a magic that can only be found in the honest vulnerability of love,

A magic so profound it has no limits,

A gift so immense it never ends.

Allow yourself to surrender, to remember

The infinite realm of sacred, divine union.

What a journey this is!

Why am I so afraid?

This darn poem keeps showing up for me. I'm struggling with committing to a woman I know I love, and feeling fear around losing my commitment to my life purpose of consciously compassionate community. She would help me to see the either or thinking in this process. Why am I so afraid?


If you want to change the world... LOVE a woman 
By Cassie Lyn

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth

I am burning in the fire with this one.
Somebody get a hose. No never mind. I need this to burn away.

Coming Up For Air

I really want to celebrate myself for a moment. I would like to honour my willingness to make difficult choices, and to see each opportunity as a chance to grow.

My first post on this blog was more than a month and a half ago. Then, I was in an open relationship with my partner and living with her, her husband, and their three children. Wow! What a choice!

I have been following my heart on a journey of community and fatherhood. My heart called me to this woman and I immediately joined her, and her family. We shared, it seemed, such a similar vision, including living in community, having a child together, sharing our work and our passions with each other. Our love was strong, there is no doubt. Our love is strong. But recently I realized how challenging this choice actually was.

I don't know any other men who have left their friends and community, moved to another town, and moved in with a nuclear family, while having relationship with the mother and wife. It seems kind of crazy. It seems overwhelming. I didn't have a bedroom of my own. In fact the only person in the house who did was the 14 year old daughter. The two younger girls share a room. And there was a bed in the master bedroom and a bed in the living room for the adults to negotiate each night. (I don't want to make it seem like there was a lot of negotiation. Generally it just sort of happened.)

Moving in with an established family of fourteen years is kind of like moving to another country. When you move to another country you have to adapt to the culture, you can't expect the culture to adapt to you. It is firmly embedded and reinforced on a daily basis. I was a little bit like the guy from another country. At first I struggled with acceptance. In order to fit in I joined. In joining a new culture I left behind a part of my own culture. The culture that was a part of my identity. I left behind a part of me.

It wasn't inevitable, or necessary, but it was how I responded to the situation. It lasted as long as it needed to. And then I realized, this is not healthy for me. I am not meant to give up what I have worked so hard to create. I am not a passive recipient of culture. I am a conscious evolutionary, a choice maker, a culture creator.

I want to be a father. And to be a father, I need to be a king, and a king needs a kingdom. Whether this kingdom is tangible or intangible, made from brick and stone, or purpose and passion, is not important. What is important is that a father create a space for his child to enter into the world in a way that honours his integrity.

I was out of my integrity in that home. Like a trapped animal backed into a corner I scratched and clawed my way to safety. I am not proud of some of my behaviour then, but I am proud of my ownship of my present situation. I have compassion and forgiveness myself and I recongize the incredible challenges I chose, listening the judgements by others who saw it as messing up a family, the stuggle for acceptance within the family, the unresolved tramas at play, the financial ambiguity, the resistence by other members of the family to the idea of our having a baby. The list could go on and on. But it doesn't need to. There is one piece that is most important. My purpose in life, what fills my existence with meaning, is to live and model empathy-based, co-creative community. I wasn't living up to this dream.

So now I have moved out. I'm not sure what the future looks like. But I know that I am committed to my purpose, and that it will guide me to the fulfillment of my dreams. I trust this.

There is a soul waiting to be born, waiting to find life through my seed. There is a community waiting to be born, built in part from my precious dreams. I am committed to listening, to loving, to saying yes. I am ready to receive all that I dream of, and more, in an easy and healthy way, and I trust that it is already happening.